Post jokes here!

[Scott]

This one from Barb to my e-mail 9/10/02.

Computer Problems?

A friend of mine has been having a few software problems problems recently. Over a few drinks he told me...

" Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better.

A shareware programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem yourself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week.

It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Almera 1.8 programme it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2002, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2002 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself."

Can Anyone offer any assistance ?

[Scott]

This is one of the funniest things I have heard in a while. I call it: "If Matt were a pilot..."

Download, listen and enjoy! Rated G (not to worry)


The Pilot!<-- Click here to listen!

[Matt]

Almost-
The Bear Cat is a .22 !!!!!

I think they re-issed it as a .32 HR Mag.

Still a peashooter!

[Matt]

I USED to be crazy.

NOW, I'm CRAZY.

My rap now would be more like "thank you for flying Pacifist Airlines, and welcome to those who took advantage of our 99% off regular fare for Muslims.

Our plane is the safest in the air, I could show anyone how to fly it in five minutes."

I'd be goin' to the taxidermist straight from the terminal.

[-IcE-]

Lessons in Management



Lesson Number One:



A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the

crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"



The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"



So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden,

a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Management Lesson Number One: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sittingvery, very high up.

************************************************

Lesson Number Two:



A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the

top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."



"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients."



The turkey pecked at a lump of shit and found that it actually gave him

enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more shit, he reached the second branch. Finally, after the

fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.



Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.



Management Lesson Number Two: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it

won't keep you there.



************************************************

Lesson Number Three:



A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird

froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a

cow came by and took a dump on it.



As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow crap, it began to realize how

warm it was. The poop was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm

and happy and soon began to sing for joy.



A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the

sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit and promptly

dug him out and ate him!



Management Lesson Number Three:

(1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.



Class dismissed.

[aaron]

Lesson Number Two is pritty damn funny.

[Scott]

http://isd.usc.edu/~barney/Pics/romance.swf

[Scott]

Idiot # 1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
Emergency Room right away.

Idiot # 2

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 5

A man walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said
he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7 Arkansas

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Please remember that all of these people are allowed to vote, drive, and sire children.

[Scott]

Here is a great and TRUE recording of a conversation between a customer and a towing yard.

[-IcE-]

these came from larry lustig to me via email

Holiday Tattoos
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below
her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving"
under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The
woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry
Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the
woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If
you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual
tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the
time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and
Christmas!"




I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a [#@!$] motorcycle cop
writing a
parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about

giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for
having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished
the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.